27 September 2010

A New Mode

Now that I am back at work, and, really, back among the living I get asked a lot how I am doing. I think i fielded that question at least 20 times in the last few weeks since school started. I usually answer that I am feeling ok. Not really normal, but, maybe, a new normal? That's the thing I am most recently learning;. I thought this new disease was an easy fix, just take some meds and I am back to normal, problem solved and, really, over with. But we are so bad at mimicking with meds what the body does so naturally. Stress goes up and your body matches it with increased thyroid levels. So I am always having to change my dose to match my activity level and stress level so that I don't get too far behind on the fatigue. And it sneaks up on me sometimes. I am learning to recognize my stress levels and trying to be proactive with dose changes. The diabetes has taught me a lot when it comes to that, but, of course, when I change my thyroid levels, it changes all of the protocols I have developed to manage the diabetes so it's like I am no longer solving equations in one or two variables, but now have 4 or 5 dimensional problems. With all that, if I can manage a "just ok" I think I am doing pretty damn well. It has, overall, dulled my personality, though. I have become the things I hate far too much, jittery and on edge, and lost the part that I loved so much about myself, that zip and spunk, willing to take on any challenge and always looking for an adventure, and when it gets all out of whack, it inhibits my sense of clarity and judgment and I sometimes do things I normally would not because it has temporarily warped my sense of reality. I am trying not to act on those whims but sometimes I let it slip. I am, also, working against a whole new set of fears that my body will fail again. I had to learn, in the worst of it, not to push my body because it would mean a week or two of recovery, a really bad, tortuous recovery, so I am trying to unlearn that self-preservation mode and re-enter into the push-myself-as hard-as-i-can mode. Tough switch since I don't know where those new boundaries lie. I dont want to overshoot them, but I do want to get very close to the edge asap. I think I might have to fall over the edge a few times to really find it.

3 comments:

  1. Erin,
    I really like reading your blog and I don't think I have told you that. Sorry. I don't know exactly what thyroid shit you are dealing with, but I hate that you aren't feeling like yourself. In the spring my Mum had major surgery to remove her thyroid-turned-lump because of fear of cancer. It was frightening for all of us. The surgery went well and the mass was benign. We were lucky. She did well, sat in the stands of my little brother's soccer game on day two of recovery and just did the swim leg of the Malibu Triathlon as part of a relay, but I know there were adjustments needed along the way. She is a family physician, the best there is, regardless of my bias...If you ever wanted to talk or ask a medical question, I know she would be happy to talk to somebody important to me. She is in Ventura. Let me know.

    I hope to be able to join you guys for BBQ at your house sometime soon.

    Love,
    Blair

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  2. hey Blair, thanks for the kind words. we lucked out, in that we got conclusive test results back, so no cancer. But even hearing a doctor use that word as a possibility scared the crap out of me. I may end up going down the surgery route next summer when things calm down for me (or at least i can fool myself into thinking ti will calm down).
    we may be doing another bbq towards the end of october for my birthday. we'd love to have you. are you in town again, or more of a just visiting kind of thing?

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  3. Hey, just saw your reply. So glad to hear the relieving news! Also, STOKED about your trip plans progressing. I guess having a photographer on board would defeat the purpose of your trip eh? ;P
    I'm in Oregon, but will be driving down to Ventura for Christmas so that I can have my bike and bring my surfboards back to southern California where they belong. I'm thinking of spending New Years in either Santa Monica or San Diego. If I'm in SD, I do let's get people together. :)

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